Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other New Beginning's End

This happens every time I get to the point where looking forward to something crashes into that thing; right before every big event or trip I have this deep sadness about it being over.

The first time I remember this happening involved a big amazing adventure in 6th grade -- our GATE class was going up to Monterey and San Francisco for four whole days (3 of which were school days) with only a few super cool moms. Plus, the boy that I was madly in love with was going too! I was looking forward to this trip for months. I counted the days, packed, unpacked, repacked, bought more to pack, dreamed of the trip, recounted the days, did an antsy-happy-dance and counted again. But then the night before as I was finally packing for real I ended up breaking down and freaking out. "What is the point of going if its just going to be over in 4 days?" I wailed to my mother through sobs. She couldn't really understand. I still have a hard time expressing this feeling.

It has to do with the weird relationship that Jules has with memories. I can understand having experiences to learn from - learning and using previous experiences to shape future actions makes sense to me -- but what are memories really good for? (this seems to be more of an issue with happy memories than with sad ones - though when I sit down and think about it I'm not sure why.) But this is a topic for another time.

The problem seems to go something like this: I look forward to the thing with great enthusiasm and fervor and it helps me get through the yuckiness of now. "I can go to work this week because in a month I get to quit and go to Russia" etc. But then the far off thing - that which I am always looking forward to/ feel so lucky and blessed to have in my future - gets closer... close enough to become real, and I panic.

It has nothing to do with the thing itself. Sometimes it seems like I would rather keep the great wonderful thing far off in the future - always to look forward to it and never have it. What a silly way to live. It is a fear of losing the hope that looking forward to a thing brings. A fear that once its over with there will be nothing to look forward to, a fear that this is as good as its going to get. If I'm honest, it's a lack of faith in God's provision.

Luckily this feeling leaves me as soon as the thing actually arrives. It often comes back (but very mildly) after the thing is over. But our amazing and faithful God soon puts something else in my life (often its something I could never have thought of or expected before) to be the new thing to look forward too. This means that God is amazing and faithful, but it also is no excuse for staying in this pattern.

Its a good thing that things end. If this thing didn't end I could never do the next thing. If the 6th grade trip to San Francisco never ended I never would have gotten to: learned algebra (ok, that one isn't super exciting), oil paint, play xylophone, go to Westmont, play congas, run sound, take Brad's photography class, go on Europe Semester, love orphans in Russia, sing in Italy, live in Santa Barbara, have all these amazing friends....... and I'm only 24!

I have more life to live after this thing than I have lived prior to this thing and having that perspective makes me excited to see what's gonna happen and how God is going to move in it, (and what memories I will end up with on the other side). And then there is Heaven which is the ultimate thing to look forward too - and it will never end...

Thanks for listening, I feel better now.

To Italy and beyond!

I am raw and weak and broken and sad. I do not want to be at work. I do not know what it is that I do want. I want to know what the heck God is doing. I want to belong. I want a home. I want to find some songs that are what I am feeling so I could put some words and a tune to this mess. I want it to be Saturday so I can drive and drive and drive and laugh and cry and pray and yell and maybe let go and see a dear friends and then drive back.

I hate change, especially when the change is everyone leaving me. I hate being left behind.

It won't be as bad as it seems right? There are still wonderful people around and those that are leaving will still have phones - I should increase my monthly minutes.

If I could only get my self to trust better/stronger/harder/bigger/truer

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

How do I get these verses into the core of my being? How do I get myself to really truly believe them? Am I seeking wrong? Is that why I can't find God? How do I correctly seek with all of my heart? How? Why? When? Where? What? When? Where? ? ? ? ? ? ?????

At least I'm feeling this and not running away - at least there is that.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright Shining like the sun
There'll be no less days
To sing God's praise
Than when we first begun

For some reason Spring does not seem to like Jules

Moody Blog

I'm having a pretty rough week.

and I wish I could at least write poetically (or in that amazing way that makes things both general and obscure enough that you can fit your own problems into it and make it about you) to make up for the fact that I am going to whine about my silly little problems...

but I can't and I'm going to whine anyway (don't feel like you need to read it though) - about the following things:

1. I seem to be in a new phase of my life - I will call this phase "humility." You see, I have always been able to get adults to like me, other people's parents, employers, teachers. This has ceased to be the case, it could be that I am getting closer to being an adult myself and so the "oh isn't she cute" factor is fading. But the fact remains, that it has been incredibly hard to find a niche at work, I constantly feel like I am doing everything wrong, and when I do something right and want a pat on the back I just get a "Well, that's what we are paying you for."
2. On top of that, due to the smallness of the office there is a very strong clique and I'm on the outside of it and I have never been able to break into cliques - I usually have to start my own - and since everyone but me is in the current clique that looks rather unlikely.
3. I am missing Alyssa very badly right now, and even more so I am missing all of the memories of her I can't quite remember - I don't know if I am blocking them out or what but I knew her, I loved her, She was a very dear friend for about 4 years I should have a lot more memories than I do - but I can't get myself to remember.
4. There are a lot of transitions coming in the very near future that will cause a lot of people whom I love to leave me for better things. I know they will still be in my life but it will not be the same. A lot of relationships will be changing on the horizon and I feel (even though I know it is probably not true) that I am getting left behind - that God has forgotten to give me a plan too.
5. This is the worst one and its connected to number 4 and its very hard to explain in a bullet point but I'll try anyway - I'm feeling spiritually attacked. I am terrified of being left alone (and I feel like everyone is leaving me). I feel orphaned. I just feel this overwhelming fear in my stomach - it feels dark and rather evil and I have a strong need to get away from the fear - to fix something, to make it go away, but I have no idea how to do that(except pray which is helping but a lot slower than I would like). I can't quite predict when this feeling will show up but it's a new feeling and I don't know how to deal with it. The worst part about it is that I can't see past it (or before it really). There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Part of it, is not knowing my purpose - I have no direction to go in and so I feel stuck and lost. I can't remember what I did before last summer and I can't see what I will do after this one. I want to talk through this stuff but I don't know who would understand it, especially since I can't even understand it well enough to explain it.

Lamb of God
Who takes away the sins of the world
Have mercy on me

I <3 Creative People

I got this email from CDBaby.com after ordering from them. I love how they are willing to spice up something that is usually pretty dull (like a shipping notification), plus I think they really like me.

"Julieanne -

Thanks for your order with CD Baby!

[shipping info]

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure
it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Monday, May 21st.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sigh...

--
Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby
the little store with the best new independent music

I tried to talk to a homeless man today.... he hit on me.

It's things like this that sometimes make me wish I were a guy. I feel limited in my ability to help others out of fear for my safety and it seems that if I were male that would not be an issue. Although I would probably come up with some other reason not to help them.

The Dangers of Sending Sacrilegious Items to a Theology Grad

I recently received this *blessing* in the mail. I'm so glad that The Lord has given these amazing people the courage and wisdom to paper the country with this amazing sign of His love and provision. This letter really showed me that my Theology (and theological education that I paid a pretty penny for) has been full of grievous errors! It was foolish of me to pray for God to show me what career path I should take or grant me favor and direction in the job interview process. No! I should have just sent these guys a bit of money and wait... and presto, the money that I would have other wise had to work for will show up on my doorstep! Oh forgive me for my sins! And thank the Lord that St. Matthew's (a 56 year old church!!) in Tulsa, Oklahoma was able to show me the error of my ways!


I knew I had gotten something special when I held this envelope in my hands.... I could feel God's power right through the plastic window which said it was for "Current resident, Our friend" Wow! They knew I currently lived at this residence! God must have told them that. To make it even better it says that this is "Mine first" before some other persons, that must mean God loves me more!


This is the back of the envelope -- These people really have a bold faith - they will write a prayer on the *outside* of a letter, they don't care who knows that God loves me so more! Oh, if the mailman could be as lucky as me, he only got to hold the letter, I got to open it, that means my hands are blessed and his aren't. Neener neener.


Inside the envelope it got even better. I met Y.G. (who is very lovely don't you think?) She proclaims that "$46,888.20 has [her] out of debt" and "that one and only day was [her] special day to [her]." Isn’t it wonderful to hear stories of true spiritual blessings like this? I feel like I know her and her husband, her daughter who is 4 years of age, her four brothers, and her parents. She said it sprinkled on the day she received the letter, it was rather misty when I got it... I hope that God blesses me as He has blessed her! Oh, and L.B.'s husband made a list of 7 things he wanted Santa Claus.... I mean God to do for him and then "went out and bought them a car" with there blessing -- Can it get any better?!


Yes, it can get better! If you turn that page over you find out that "This Prayer Rug is a point of contact" with the heavens that can help you find "a good loving companion" - I've always wanted a puppy! - or even "return a loved one".... from the dead or the supermarket which ever is farther! Wow, God is amazing! And I never knew it until I was blessed with this letter! I also love this lady's hair and sweater... it's amazing how well she matches the color scheme of this letter!


And to think someone went though this letter written just to me and underlined the important parts with a blue marker so I wouldn't miss them, these people really care about me! It starts out "Dear....Someone connected with this address" Wow! I don't think I will ever move if living in my little apartment as brought me so much blessing!
They say that they "see in the Holy Spirit" that God wants to bless "me or someone connected to this address", "something very wonderful is trying to come to me." All I have to do is get alone with God in the next "24 important hours" and touch the prayer rug to my knees while I ask God to bless me. I also shouldn't talk about this special blessing with anyone else - we wouldn't want them to get jealous of how much God loves me. Think of all the years I could have gone on praying to God without a paper rug. Now I know God can't hear my prayers without this rug.
After I say the special prayer, I must then stick the rug in my Bible -gosh, where did I put that thing, oh well I'll just stick it under my bed... that’s okay too. But I have to get it out of my house tomorrow morning - maybe it's like manna in the Old Testament - if you stock up more than you need it rots. I hope I don't do it wrong and get a curse instead.

"Dear Jesus, have this one get their best seed to sow towards their coming harvest. We pray in thy name we pray Amen” I’m not sure what that means but it sound very much like a blessing.... either that or they want me to send them money when I mail back the rug so I "do not break the flow of power between us."
They say that “I will receive a wonderful, free, spiritual gift that will be a blessing to [me] for a lifetime, as soon as [they] receive this back from [me]”… oh boy I hope it’s a convertible!
At first I thought this might be a scam, but St. Matthew’s in Tulsa, Oklahoma must know what they are talking about. I mean this church is 56 years old! That is really old, sure The Council of Nicaea which set up the doctrine of the universal catholic church was in 325… but 1951, that’s sure pretty much the same thing - I mean, that was a year before Mr. Potato Head was on the market!

Oh my! Here it is, the amazing, powerful, paper church prayer rug - This 3-color page of joy is going to change my life. It is almost like a magic trick, it says if you stare at Jesus his eyes will open and look at you! Personally that kind of creeps me out but these people must know, they have been doing this for 56 years.


I'm waiting for my blessing, I wonder if blessings are shipped standard or express mail..... hmm or maybe they come by Fed Ex... I'll let you know once I get mine.


Wow, it sure is kind of the St. Matthew's Church of Tulsa Oklahoma to pay the shipping back on this priceless relic, (plus my "seed gift" of $2000), I sure hope that is enough to win God's favor into blessing me, it's all the money I have saved up for my mission trip to Africa, but I felt like receiving this letter in the mail was a sign that my focus was wrong... I should wait for God to bless me rather than going out to help others with what He has already given me.



Oh this is the best part, a sealed prophesy just for me. I wasn't supposed to open it until I sent the rug back, I wonder what it would have said if I read it early. I'm sure God is able to change the words around. But I did it in the right order, and it looks like I sent in enough money because there is good stuff in here. These are God's words directly to me about my life.... It really is amazing how accurate it is. "Even now you are facing a decision that must be made" Wow! God knew that I was deciding between the black cardigan and the pink blouse. -- Who needs the Bible when they get special Letters directly from God? I might as well give my Bible to some poor soul who doesn't have such a close connection to God.... Hmm, maybe my pastor or Ben Patterson could use my Bible. I didn't realize that God spoke in all capitals though.




All kidding aside - I pray that this shameful attempt to turn the Creator of Heaven and Earth into a magic trick doesn't turn people away from the richness and true hope that is available in a real faith and relationship with the Triune God. Hopefully this is so poorly done no one will fall for it. We wonder how Christians get a bad name... first the crusades, now prayer rug letters... Kyrie eleison. Christe eleison. Kyrie eleison.

My Goal for Year 24

(I came up with these rather quickly, but I think its a good little list)

• To love God with all my mind, soul, body, and strength
• To deeply deeply love others
• To really live every day of this year - no more of this existing stuff
• To feel the full array of emotions (suitable to the occasion) rather than run from them and be numb.
• Open and keep a savings account open and hopefully growing a bit
• Go to Italy!!
• Get a little further on this crazy journey God's taking me on
• Oh and laugh lots and lots!

I <3 Mentors

God was really smart - He made it so there are always older wiser people around to help the stupid young people out. I like God, He is smart.

I also like having breakfast with mentors, Today was breakfast with Pastor Colleen - and her main advice was to enjoy where I'm at, don't worry about the future - be proactive but let God deal with the timing and it will happen in His time. She said that she wasted a lot of this stage in her life by being worried about figuring out the next thing. Don't do that just enjoy it, the next thing will happen an it will be fabulous but what I am doing now won't fit there - so enjoy this for what it is and enjoy that for what it is when I get there.

There was lots more but it would be hard to explain without a very long drawn out backstory so I'll just log it away for me and leave it at this: Go have breakfast/lunch/dinner/coffee with a mentor!!!

Yay for mentors! Yay for the God who has given them to us!
May He prepare us to be mentors to stupid young people when we are older and wiser!

I'm pretty sure there is a volcano under my apartment.