Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other New Beginning's End

This happens every time I get to the point where looking forward to something crashes into that thing; right before every big event or trip I have this deep sadness about it being over.

The first time I remember this happening involved a big amazing adventure in 6th grade -- our GATE class was going up to Monterey and San Francisco for four whole days (3 of which were school days) with only a few super cool moms. Plus, the boy that I was madly in love with was going too! I was looking forward to this trip for months. I counted the days, packed, unpacked, repacked, bought more to pack, dreamed of the trip, recounted the days, did an antsy-happy-dance and counted again. But then the night before as I was finally packing for real I ended up breaking down and freaking out. "What is the point of going if its just going to be over in 4 days?" I wailed to my mother through sobs. She couldn't really understand. I still have a hard time expressing this feeling.

It has to do with the weird relationship that Jules has with memories. I can understand having experiences to learn from - learning and using previous experiences to shape future actions makes sense to me -- but what are memories really good for? (this seems to be more of an issue with happy memories than with sad ones - though when I sit down and think about it I'm not sure why.) But this is a topic for another time.

The problem seems to go something like this: I look forward to the thing with great enthusiasm and fervor and it helps me get through the yuckiness of now. "I can go to work this week because in a month I get to quit and go to Russia" etc. But then the far off thing - that which I am always looking forward to/ feel so lucky and blessed to have in my future - gets closer... close enough to become real, and I panic.

It has nothing to do with the thing itself. Sometimes it seems like I would rather keep the great wonderful thing far off in the future - always to look forward to it and never have it. What a silly way to live. It is a fear of losing the hope that looking forward to a thing brings. A fear that once its over with there will be nothing to look forward to, a fear that this is as good as its going to get. If I'm honest, it's a lack of faith in God's provision.

Luckily this feeling leaves me as soon as the thing actually arrives. It often comes back (but very mildly) after the thing is over. But our amazing and faithful God soon puts something else in my life (often its something I could never have thought of or expected before) to be the new thing to look forward too. This means that God is amazing and faithful, but it also is no excuse for staying in this pattern.

Its a good thing that things end. If this thing didn't end I could never do the next thing. If the 6th grade trip to San Francisco never ended I never would have gotten to: learned algebra (ok, that one isn't super exciting), oil paint, play xylophone, go to Westmont, play congas, run sound, take Brad's photography class, go on Europe Semester, love orphans in Russia, sing in Italy, live in Santa Barbara, have all these amazing friends....... and I'm only 24!

I have more life to live after this thing than I have lived prior to this thing and having that perspective makes me excited to see what's gonna happen and how God is going to move in it, (and what memories I will end up with on the other side). And then there is Heaven which is the ultimate thing to look forward too - and it will never end...

Thanks for listening, I feel better now.

To Italy and beyond!