I am raw and weak and broken and sad. I do not want to be at work. I do not know what it is that I do want. I want to know what the heck God is doing. I want to belong. I want a home. I want to find some songs that are what I am feeling so I could put some words and a tune to this mess. I want it to be Saturday so I can drive and drive and drive and laugh and cry and pray and yell and maybe let go and see a dear friends and then drive back.

I hate change, especially when the change is everyone leaving me. I hate being left behind.

It won't be as bad as it seems right? There are still wonderful people around and those that are leaving will still have phones - I should increase my monthly minutes.

If I could only get my self to trust better/stronger/harder/bigger/truer

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

How do I get these verses into the core of my being? How do I get myself to really truly believe them? Am I seeking wrong? Is that why I can't find God? How do I correctly seek with all of my heart? How? Why? When? Where? What? When? Where? ? ? ? ? ? ?????

At least I'm feeling this and not running away - at least there is that.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright Shining like the sun
There'll be no less days
To sing God's praise
Than when we first begun