Trust; A Pledge of

As some of you know, for reasons I would rather not discuss, I am slowly working my way through playing an entire hymnal on the piano. Since I am not a piano player this is a rather painful experience for both my and God's ears. But that is the whole point - I'm doing it because I can't do it and the only way to be able to do it is .... to do it.

Thus far (with a few exceptions) this has not been an particularly worshipful experience. This is merely an exercise to become a better player of piano. But last night I actually read through one of the responsive readings in between the hymns and it got to me (especially the last part). It is fitting for dealing with the frustrations of learning a new instrument and learning how to live.

I thought I would share it with you because I'm just that nice:

A Pledge of Trust

Father, during this coming week there may be times when I shall not be able to sense your presence or to be aware of your nearness.

When I am lonely and by myself
I trust you to be my companion.

When I am tempted to sin
I trust you to keep me from it.

When I am depressed and anxious
I trust you to lift my spirits.

When I am crushed by responsibility and overwhelmed by the demands of people on my time,
I trust you to give me poise and a sense of purpose.

When I am rushed and running
I trust you to make me still inside.

When I forget you
I trust that you will never forget me.

When I forget others
I trust you to prompt me to think of them.

When you take something or someone from me that I want to keep, when you remove the props I lean on for comfort in place of you; when you refuse to respond to my questions and to answer my too-selfish prayer, I will trust you even then.

Amen

(written by Bryan Jeffery Leech)

Chapter Next: Good But Not Always Fun

My last vague post seems to peak some interest. I wanted to explain on that Tuesday but this new chapter has panned out to be very busy, very busy indeed.

From the outside looking in there isn't a whole lot of newness or change, but there are a lot of little things that put together make this feel like a fresh start.

The Spring and Summer turned out to be a season of goodbyes, of letting go, of loosing (or facing the possibility of loosing) most of what I had come to hold dear to me, with a short rest bit in Italy somewhere in the middle. Thus far, year 24 has overall been a hard one for me. I have been completely unable to see past this time of loosing. I have not had anything to look forward to on the other side but emptiness. A dark, blank void was all that I have been able to see and it scared the heck out of me. I searched for God's hope but have found silence, everything I clung to seemed to fall away, and I have had no idea what to do with myself but be left behind and feel sorry for myself.

But the last goodbye (for a while at least) has been said. I have met the black blank wall head on and I have found that I'm still breathing on the other side. My social life has changed dramatically (though I am rediscovering lots of people that I've always been meaning to see more often). I feel much more alone, but I'm still kicking. In fact, I believe I'm becoming even more of myself.

The missing of the people that are less present in my life hurts terribly much, and the future is still rather black, empty, unknown and scary. But this next phase is looking like it will be a time of preparation, growth and healing so that I am ready for whatever the heck God has coming next (and I am trusting that He has something lined up).

When I graduated from Westmont I decided to take *one* year off - I was expecting it to be a time of introspection, growth, healing and all around wonderfulness. But job searching and mundane life got in the way. I was not willing to be broken for God and so none of that wonderfulness happened. I feel like this coming year will be the year that I had wanted at graduation. Although now I have realized that it isn't going to be anything like the happy, carefree experience I had in my head. God is molding and shaping me and its not a fun process but I'm excited to see who I will become.

It seems I will be somewhat reclusive for this season - which I'm not happy about. Most of what I will be working on required me to be by myself; I'm getting back into music (practice!), and hopefully a bit of art (if) when I have time, and utilizing my work sponsored gym membership. I'm also working with the youth group and worship team at my church, helping lead a service at another church (quarterly service, monthly meetings), and running sound for another church twice a month - eek!

I think as much as I hate it, being alone is an important thing I will be learning now, along with self discipline and many other things that I can't foresee. So, if you are willing and able to, I could use your encouragement and accountably to focus on my priorities and remain open to God's work.


and most importantly this newness with more pondering requires a more dignified place to ponder so I'm moving over here: inklingsofhope.blogspot.com
(isn't that a good name? I'm a fan)

I am raw and weak and broken and sad. I do not want to be at work. I do not know what it is that I do want. I want to know what the heck God is doing. I want to belong. I want a home. I want to find some songs that are what I am feeling so I could put some words and a tune to this mess. I want it to be Saturday so I can drive and drive and drive and laugh and cry and pray and yell and maybe let go and see a dear friends and then drive back.

I hate change, especially when the change is everyone leaving me. I hate being left behind.

It won't be as bad as it seems right? There are still wonderful people around and those that are leaving will still have phones - I should increase my monthly minutes.

If I could only get my self to trust better/stronger/harder/bigger/truer

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

How do I get these verses into the core of my being? How do I get myself to really truly believe them? Am I seeking wrong? Is that why I can't find God? How do I correctly seek with all of my heart? How? Why? When? Where? What? When? Where? ? ? ? ? ? ?????

At least I'm feeling this and not running away - at least there is that.

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright Shining like the sun
There'll be no less days
To sing God's praise
Than when we first begun

For some reason Spring does not seem to like Jules

Moody Blog

I'm having a pretty rough week.

and I wish I could at least write poetically (or in that amazing way that makes things both general and obscure enough that you can fit your own problems into it and make it about you) to make up for the fact that I am going to whine about my silly little problems...

but I can't and I'm going to whine anyway (don't feel like you need to read it though) - about the following things:

1. I seem to be in a new phase of my life - I will call this phase "humility." You see, I have always been able to get adults to like me, other people's parents, employers, teachers. This has ceased to be the case, it could be that I am getting closer to being an adult myself and so the "oh isn't she cute" factor is fading. But the fact remains, that it has been incredibly hard to find a niche at work, I constantly feel like I am doing everything wrong, and when I do something right and want a pat on the back I just get a "Well, that's what we are paying you for."
2. On top of that, due to the smallness of the office there is a very strong clique and I'm on the outside of it and I have never been able to break into cliques - I usually have to start my own - and since everyone but me is in the current clique that looks rather unlikely.
3. I am missing Alyssa very badly right now, and even more so I am missing all of the memories of her I can't quite remember - I don't know if I am blocking them out or what but I knew her, I loved her, She was a very dear friend for about 4 years I should have a lot more memories than I do - but I can't get myself to remember.
4. There are a lot of transitions coming in the very near future that will cause a lot of people whom I love to leave me for better things. I know they will still be in my life but it will not be the same. A lot of relationships will be changing on the horizon and I feel (even though I know it is probably not true) that I am getting left behind - that God has forgotten to give me a plan too.
5. This is the worst one and its connected to number 4 and its very hard to explain in a bullet point but I'll try anyway - I'm feeling spiritually attacked. I am terrified of being left alone (and I feel like everyone is leaving me). I feel orphaned. I just feel this overwhelming fear in my stomach - it feels dark and rather evil and I have a strong need to get away from the fear - to fix something, to make it go away, but I have no idea how to do that(except pray which is helping but a lot slower than I would like). I can't quite predict when this feeling will show up but it's a new feeling and I don't know how to deal with it. The worst part about it is that I can't see past it (or before it really). There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Part of it, is not knowing my purpose - I have no direction to go in and so I feel stuck and lost. I can't remember what I did before last summer and I can't see what I will do after this one. I want to talk through this stuff but I don't know who would understand it, especially since I can't even understand it well enough to explain it.

Lamb of God
Who takes away the sins of the world
Have mercy on me

I tried to talk to a homeless man today.... he hit on me.

It's things like this that sometimes make me wish I were a guy. I feel limited in my ability to help others out of fear for my safety and it seems that if I were male that would not be an issue. Although I would probably come up with some other reason not to help them.

My Goal for Year 24

(I came up with these rather quickly, but I think its a good little list)

• To love God with all my mind, soul, body, and strength
• To deeply deeply love others
• To really live every day of this year - no more of this existing stuff
• To feel the full array of emotions (suitable to the occasion) rather than run from them and be numb.
• Open and keep a savings account open and hopefully growing a bit
• Go to Italy!!
• Get a little further on this crazy journey God's taking me on
• Oh and laugh lots and lots!

I <3 Mentors

God was really smart - He made it so there are always older wiser people around to help the stupid young people out. I like God, He is smart.

I also like having breakfast with mentors, Today was breakfast with Pastor Colleen - and her main advice was to enjoy where I'm at, don't worry about the future - be proactive but let God deal with the timing and it will happen in His time. She said that she wasted a lot of this stage in her life by being worried about figuring out the next thing. Don't do that just enjoy it, the next thing will happen an it will be fabulous but what I am doing now won't fit there - so enjoy this for what it is and enjoy that for what it is when I get there.

There was lots more but it would be hard to explain without a very long drawn out backstory so I'll just log it away for me and leave it at this: Go have breakfast/lunch/dinner/coffee with a mentor!!!

Yay for mentors! Yay for the God who has given them to us!
May He prepare us to be mentors to stupid young people when we are older and wiser!