As some of you know, for reasons I would rather not discuss, I am slowly working my way through playing an entire hymnal on the piano. Since I am not a piano player this is a rather painful experience for both my and God's ears. But that is the whole point - I'm doing it because I can't do it and the only way to be able to do it is .... to do it.
Thus far (with a few exceptions) this has not been an particularly worshipful experience. This is merely an exercise to become a better player of piano. But last night I actually read through one of the responsive readings in between the hymns and it got to me (especially the last part). It is fitting for dealing with the frustrations of learning a new instrument and learning how to live.
I thought I would share it with you because I'm just that nice:
A Pledge of Trust
Father, during this coming week there may be times when I shall not be able to sense your presence or to be aware of your nearness.
When I am lonely and by myself
I trust you to be my companion.
When I am tempted to sin
I trust you to keep me from it.
When I am depressed and anxious
I trust you to lift my spirits.
When I am crushed by responsibility and overwhelmed by the demands of people on my time,
I trust you to give me poise and a sense of purpose.
When I am rushed and running
I trust you to make me still inside.
When I forget you
I trust that you will never forget me.
When I forget others
I trust you to prompt me to think of them.
When you take something or someone from me that I want to keep, when you remove the props I lean on for comfort in place of you; when you refuse to respond to my questions and to answer my too-selfish prayer, I will trust you even then.
Amen
(written by Bryan Jeffery Leech)
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The Fates Think I'm Fat
I went to lunch with my good friend, Brian, today. We decided to get out of our Mexican food rut and ventured into the yummy land of Chinese fare.
This seemed like a great idea. Three courses and a waitress all for the super low lunch special price - woo hoo! Chopsticks added a lot of entertainment (at least for Brian who got to laugh at my attempt to use them.) Sweet and sour chicken, good converstation, and a chance to catch up with an old friend -- It's all fabulous!
And then came the best part (or so I thought): free desert! A "oh yay! Fortune cookies!" type squeal of joy flew out of my mouth when they were dropped off. I was excited. Was excited, until we opened them.....
This seemed like a great idea. Three courses and a waitress all for the super low lunch special price - woo hoo! Chopsticks added a lot of entertainment (at least for Brian who got to laugh at my attempt to use them.) Sweet and sour chicken, good converstation, and a chance to catch up with an old friend -- It's all fabulous!
And then came the best part (or so I thought): free desert! A "oh yay! Fortune cookies!" type squeal of joy flew out of my mouth when they were dropped off. I was excited. Was excited, until we opened them.....
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Assignment #1
"Creativity lurks in the vision of a slightly skewed perspective" - Caffeine for the Creative Mind (here after: CFTCM)
(I think for the most part I am going to keep this little project in Xanga - but I figured I would post this first one a little more broadly so that anyone that wants to follow along/be a part of it can. We'll see how it goes but please check back and see how things are going.)
I got the above book yesterday and I am going to start using it. It is full of little assignments to get your creativity more in shape. I was thinking of posting all of them.. but it might be better to just pick my favorite one from every week - partly because I know I probably will miss a day or two and because I don't want to put the entire book online. Go get your own - its a good one!
Yip Yip Hooray for accountability! Please add suggestions/critiques and your own version of the assignment as often as you like. Hopefully this will inspire more writing in general from me as well. (also if anyone wants to get me a digital drawing tablet I would love you forever :P)
Also, I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and would highly recommend it to anyone that is "trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life"
Assignment #1: "Pimp out a Red Wagon"
(I think for the most part I am going to keep this little project in Xanga - but I figured I would post this first one a little more broadly so that anyone that wants to follow along/be a part of it can. We'll see how it goes but please check back and see how things are going.)
I got the above book yesterday and I am going to start using it. It is full of little assignments to get your creativity more in shape. I was thinking of posting all of them.. but it might be better to just pick my favorite one from every week - partly because I know I probably will miss a day or two and because I don't want to put the entire book online. Go get your own - its a good one!
Yip Yip Hooray for accountability! Please add suggestions/critiques and your own version of the assignment as often as you like. Hopefully this will inspire more writing in general from me as well. (also if anyone wants to get me a digital drawing tablet I would love you forever :P)
Also, I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and would highly recommend it to anyone that is "trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life"
Assignment #1: "Pimp out a Red Wagon"
Monday, March 31, 2008
This morning's medical adventure
I was excited that I had to go to the optometrist and the radiology lab this morning because it meant I would get to be an hour late to work. I was SUPPOSED to drive the complete opposite direction of work on a Monday morning - wonderful! I haven't gotten my eyes checked in 4 years so I was slightly worried about what they might say but the missing work out weighed any anxiety I was feeling and I headed for Ventura bright and early this morning.
I had a lovely visit with the Doctor while he checked my eyes. He told me that if everyone's eyes were like mine he would need a new job, I have better vision than an Air Force Pilot that was recently in his office, and for insurance purposes we had to make up a problem so that the insurance would pay for my visit (we decided on itchy I think). He explained how the glaucoma "air-puff" test works (which was very interesting) and assured me several times that my eyes were perfect. He then told me "I think you're terrific, kid." I think he meant my vision but I'm going to take it both ways. I really enjoyed hearing that my vision is still "better than perfect" but not just because it was an ego boost and saved me money on glasses.
The reason I'm bragging about this is because there was very little genetic chance for me to have good vision. There are some members of my family with good eyesight but both of my parents have needed fairly strong prescriptions since they were young children. The story that I remember is that once my mom was pregnant with me, a group of people decided to lay their hands on her stomach and they prayed for my eyesight.
Not only do I have 20/15 vision (a.k.a. "better than perfect") I get quite a lot of complements about the beauty of my eyes as well as if God went above and beyond their prayers. To be honest there have been moments where I've gotten a little vain about my blue eyes (there have been times when I've felt that they were the only thing going for me). But most of the times when my eyes are a topic of conversation (especially when my vision is the topic of the complement) it reminds me that God was already loving and healing me before I was born. And that was something I really needed to be reminded of today.
The rest of morning was spent going to medical clinics #3 and #4 attempting to get a hard copy of x-rays they took at clinic #2 (and it was the 2nd time I went into clinic #2 because the x-ray machine was broken the first time) after I left the Optometrist at clinic #1. Luckily there were a couple nice people that helped me figure out 1. where I was 2. where I should be 3. where the x-rays were and 4. how to get us all in the same place. Once I got to Santa Barbara I still had to go to the drug store (for my cough) and the grocery store (for my lunch) before I finally made it to work! oy! (I was a full 2 hours late for work by the way.)
But God is still working, He knit us together in our mothers' wombs and He knows what is best for us - especially when we don't.
Topic of my next blog (hopefully): Thomases of the doubting variety.
I had a lovely visit with the Doctor while he checked my eyes. He told me that if everyone's eyes were like mine he would need a new job, I have better vision than an Air Force Pilot that was recently in his office, and for insurance purposes we had to make up a problem so that the insurance would pay for my visit (we decided on itchy I think). He explained how the glaucoma "air-puff" test works (which was very interesting) and assured me several times that my eyes were perfect. He then told me "I think you're terrific, kid." I think he meant my vision but I'm going to take it both ways. I really enjoyed hearing that my vision is still "better than perfect" but not just because it was an ego boost and saved me money on glasses.
The reason I'm bragging about this is because there was very little genetic chance for me to have good vision. There are some members of my family with good eyesight but both of my parents have needed fairly strong prescriptions since they were young children. The story that I remember is that once my mom was pregnant with me, a group of people decided to lay their hands on her stomach and they prayed for my eyesight.
Not only do I have 20/15 vision (a.k.a. "better than perfect") I get quite a lot of complements about the beauty of my eyes as well as if God went above and beyond their prayers. To be honest there have been moments where I've gotten a little vain about my blue eyes (there have been times when I've felt that they were the only thing going for me). But most of the times when my eyes are a topic of conversation (especially when my vision is the topic of the complement) it reminds me that God was already loving and healing me before I was born. And that was something I really needed to be reminded of today.
The rest of morning was spent going to medical clinics #3 and #4 attempting to get a hard copy of x-rays they took at clinic #2 (and it was the 2nd time I went into clinic #2 because the x-ray machine was broken the first time) after I left the Optometrist at clinic #1. Luckily there were a couple nice people that helped me figure out 1. where I was 2. where I should be 3. where the x-rays were and 4. how to get us all in the same place. Once I got to Santa Barbara I still had to go to the drug store (for my cough) and the grocery store (for my lunch) before I finally made it to work! oy! (I was a full 2 hours late for work by the way.)
But God is still working, He knit us together in our mothers' wombs and He knows what is best for us - especially when we don't.
Topic of my next blog (hopefully): Thomases of the doubting variety.
Friday, January 25, 2008
What preschool and the dentist taught me about God
As a young child I was completely grossed out by things that were covered in holes. I got the "fingernails scraping down a chalkboard" chills whenever I saw something that was full of holes. Forget trying to make me touch it! (In fact even right this blog is giving me a slight case of the willies)
I vividly remember the event that brought this involuntary reaction to my attention. A boy in my preschool class brought a rock for Show and Tell. This rock was special enough to be worth sharing due to its being full of holes. It was from the ocean and had been the home of a lot of small creatures that were very good at burrowing.
As a rather ironic tangent I do greatly enjoy burrowing.
Anyway, this rock was passed around the Show and Tell circle and when it got to me I flipped. My mom tried to help me figure out why it bothered me to no avail but it was clear that it did.... a lot. Things like tennis rackets and fly swatters didn't seem to bother me - they were supposed to have holes in them. But things that were supposed to be solid that weren't... I couldn't handle it.
Here comes the irony --
the one that was so bothered by holes as a child now feels like she herself is full of holes and people are not supposed to be covered in (metaphorical) holes.
There are a lot of voids and divots in this life of mine (and I'm sure I'm far from the only one). The pains of life have burrowed their way under my skin and left their marks. Broken promises, screwed up parents, elementary school bullies, injustice, sickness, death, lost dreams; they have all tunneled down and left me hollow.
Left on my own I just try to cover them up. I'm incapable of filling them myself so I buy pretty sweaters or try the latest cosmetic miracle cream in hopes of making them less noticeable. For short periods of time this works, but the cavities are still there, and they still hurt like the dickens.
I had to go to the dentist recently and suddenly as I was tied down on a chair that held me upside down with a plethora of un-pleasantries fishing around in my mouth this whole mess became a little more clear. If I had tried to avoid the dentist and just brush harder the cavities that I already had would only get worse. Someone bigger than me had to step in and take over and heal where I was broken. If I tried to tell him how to do it - or fight him because it hurt - it would only slow him down and make it hurt even more. I need someone that understands me better than I know myself to fill the holes.
Unfortunately the holes can't just be filled, someone needs to go in there and clean out all the gunk - both the raw hurt of the original wound, and also all that stupid stuff I used to tried to hide them. Cleaning them out actually makes them bigger - and in my opinion its by far the worst part of the whole experience - but the filling is useless if you skip this step.
I think that is where God has me right now, he is cleaning out all of my wounds and it f-ing hurts. I am trying to let him do what He needs to do without too much complaining and I'm trusting in the fact that He knows whats best for me and that I can't fix it on my own. But it still hurts.... Good but not fun, Good but not fun.
I vividly remember the event that brought this involuntary reaction to my attention. A boy in my preschool class brought a rock for Show and Tell. This rock was special enough to be worth sharing due to its being full of holes. It was from the ocean and had been the home of a lot of small creatures that were very good at burrowing.
As a rather ironic tangent I do greatly enjoy burrowing.
Anyway, this rock was passed around the Show and Tell circle and when it got to me I flipped. My mom tried to help me figure out why it bothered me to no avail but it was clear that it did.... a lot. Things like tennis rackets and fly swatters didn't seem to bother me - they were supposed to have holes in them. But things that were supposed to be solid that weren't... I couldn't handle it.
Here comes the irony --
the one that was so bothered by holes as a child now feels like she herself is full of holes and people are not supposed to be covered in (metaphorical) holes.
There are a lot of voids and divots in this life of mine (and I'm sure I'm far from the only one). The pains of life have burrowed their way under my skin and left their marks. Broken promises, screwed up parents, elementary school bullies, injustice, sickness, death, lost dreams; they have all tunneled down and left me hollow.
Left on my own I just try to cover them up. I'm incapable of filling them myself so I buy pretty sweaters or try the latest cosmetic miracle cream in hopes of making them less noticeable. For short periods of time this works, but the cavities are still there, and they still hurt like the dickens.
I had to go to the dentist recently and suddenly as I was tied down on a chair that held me upside down with a plethora of un-pleasantries fishing around in my mouth this whole mess became a little more clear. If I had tried to avoid the dentist and just brush harder the cavities that I already had would only get worse. Someone bigger than me had to step in and take over and heal where I was broken. If I tried to tell him how to do it - or fight him because it hurt - it would only slow him down and make it hurt even more. I need someone that understands me better than I know myself to fill the holes.
Unfortunately the holes can't just be filled, someone needs to go in there and clean out all the gunk - both the raw hurt of the original wound, and also all that stupid stuff I used to tried to hide them. Cleaning them out actually makes them bigger - and in my opinion its by far the worst part of the whole experience - but the filling is useless if you skip this step.
I think that is where God has me right now, he is cleaning out all of my wounds and it f-ing hurts. I am trying to let him do what He needs to do without too much complaining and I'm trusting in the fact that He knows whats best for me and that I can't fix it on my own. But it still hurts.... Good but not fun, Good but not fun.
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