Chapter Next: Good But Not Always Fun

My last vague post seems to peak some interest. I wanted to explain on that Tuesday but this new chapter has panned out to be very busy, very busy indeed.

From the outside looking in there isn't a whole lot of newness or change, but there are a lot of little things that put together make this feel like a fresh start.

The Spring and Summer turned out to be a season of goodbyes, of letting go, of loosing (or facing the possibility of loosing) most of what I had come to hold dear to me, with a short rest bit in Italy somewhere in the middle. Thus far, year 24 has overall been a hard one for me. I have been completely unable to see past this time of loosing. I have not had anything to look forward to on the other side but emptiness. A dark, blank void was all that I have been able to see and it scared the heck out of me. I searched for God's hope but have found silence, everything I clung to seemed to fall away, and I have had no idea what to do with myself but be left behind and feel sorry for myself.

But the last goodbye (for a while at least) has been said. I have met the black blank wall head on and I have found that I'm still breathing on the other side. My social life has changed dramatically (though I am rediscovering lots of people that I've always been meaning to see more often). I feel much more alone, but I'm still kicking. In fact, I believe I'm becoming even more of myself.

The missing of the people that are less present in my life hurts terribly much, and the future is still rather black, empty, unknown and scary. But this next phase is looking like it will be a time of preparation, growth and healing so that I am ready for whatever the heck God has coming next (and I am trusting that He has something lined up).

When I graduated from Westmont I decided to take *one* year off - I was expecting it to be a time of introspection, growth, healing and all around wonderfulness. But job searching and mundane life got in the way. I was not willing to be broken for God and so none of that wonderfulness happened. I feel like this coming year will be the year that I had wanted at graduation. Although now I have realized that it isn't going to be anything like the happy, carefree experience I had in my head. God is molding and shaping me and its not a fun process but I'm excited to see who I will become.

It seems I will be somewhat reclusive for this season - which I'm not happy about. Most of what I will be working on required me to be by myself; I'm getting back into music (practice!), and hopefully a bit of art (if) when I have time, and utilizing my work sponsored gym membership. I'm also working with the youth group and worship team at my church, helping lead a service at another church (quarterly service, monthly meetings), and running sound for another church twice a month - eek!

I think as much as I hate it, being alone is an important thing I will be learning now, along with self discipline and many other things that I can't foresee. So, if you are willing and able to, I could use your encouragement and accountably to focus on my priorities and remain open to God's work.


and most importantly this newness with more pondering requires a more dignified place to ponder so I'm moving over here: inklingsofhope.blogspot.com
(isn't that a good name? I'm a fan)