Moody Blog

I'm having a pretty rough week.

and I wish I could at least write poetically (or in that amazing way that makes things both general and obscure enough that you can fit your own problems into it and make it about you) to make up for the fact that I am going to whine about my silly little problems...

but I can't and I'm going to whine anyway (don't feel like you need to read it though) - about the following things:

1. I seem to be in a new phase of my life - I will call this phase "humility." You see, I have always been able to get adults to like me, other people's parents, employers, teachers. This has ceased to be the case, it could be that I am getting closer to being an adult myself and so the "oh isn't she cute" factor is fading. But the fact remains, that it has been incredibly hard to find a niche at work, I constantly feel like I am doing everything wrong, and when I do something right and want a pat on the back I just get a "Well, that's what we are paying you for."
2. On top of that, due to the smallness of the office there is a very strong clique and I'm on the outside of it and I have never been able to break into cliques - I usually have to start my own - and since everyone but me is in the current clique that looks rather unlikely.
3. I am missing Alyssa very badly right now, and even more so I am missing all of the memories of her I can't quite remember - I don't know if I am blocking them out or what but I knew her, I loved her, She was a very dear friend for about 4 years I should have a lot more memories than I do - but I can't get myself to remember.
4. There are a lot of transitions coming in the very near future that will cause a lot of people whom I love to leave me for better things. I know they will still be in my life but it will not be the same. A lot of relationships will be changing on the horizon and I feel (even though I know it is probably not true) that I am getting left behind - that God has forgotten to give me a plan too.
5. This is the worst one and its connected to number 4 and its very hard to explain in a bullet point but I'll try anyway - I'm feeling spiritually attacked. I am terrified of being left alone (and I feel like everyone is leaving me). I feel orphaned. I just feel this overwhelming fear in my stomach - it feels dark and rather evil and I have a strong need to get away from the fear - to fix something, to make it go away, but I have no idea how to do that(except pray which is helping but a lot slower than I would like). I can't quite predict when this feeling will show up but it's a new feeling and I don't know how to deal with it. The worst part about it is that I can't see past it (or before it really). There is no light at the end of this tunnel. Part of it, is not knowing my purpose - I have no direction to go in and so I feel stuck and lost. I can't remember what I did before last summer and I can't see what I will do after this one. I want to talk through this stuff but I don't know who would understand it, especially since I can't even understand it well enough to explain it.

Lamb of God
Who takes away the sins of the world
Have mercy on me